Apology

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts: ever since I started writing, I lost my ability to talk. I started really getting into writing at the start of the year, and I have turned from someone who always had something to say, to someone who no longer knows how to say it (out loud, that is). This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because I think it has allowed me to become a very attentive listener. But it isn’t exactly all good either because it has left me feeling foolish and out of place as I stumble for words. I continuously find myself in situations where I want so badly to say something, anything, but I can’t. Sometimes it doesn’t matter and the conversation goes on (no thanks to me), and other times I walk away kicking myself for not just saying something. I can write how I feel, so surely I can say it, right? Nope. Not right.

Then I got to thinking some more. I wrote a little while back about vulnerability and how important it is to put yourself out there and open yourself up despite your fear. I don’t think it was fair of me to write that because I have not taken that advice myself. The more I write, the less I open up. I turn to pen and paper to talk about how I feel but I edit and erase to take the vulnerableness out of it, then I slap a title on it and publish it. Nothing is raw. Nothing is deep. It’s surface level and decorated to be made appealing. But that’s not the kind of writer I want to be. It’s not even the kind of person I want to be. Writing has, in a way, given me an excuse to not be vulnerable because I can act like it just enough through my writing for it to count towards my life.

So, I’m writing this now as a form of apology. I’m not doing my job as a writer – my job of being unforgivably honest – and for that I am sorry. I have lost my ability to verbalize the truth about what’s happening inside my head, and I am sorry. I know it has already gotten me into difficult situations and left me feeling foolish, and I hope I can work on avoiding that from here on out. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one, right? You know how when you’re cleaning you have to make a large mess in order to sort through the mess and clear things out? You throw everything into a pile in the middle of the room and it looks chaotic and horrible but it’s the only way you can really get things clean? I think that’s what I’m trying to do right now. I’m making a mess of things so I can clean it all up. So I apologize for the mess. But I hope that it will lead to a better, more organized me.

Stay tuned for the mess. This should be interesting.

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